Love is the slowest form of Suicide
by Das Nebel
Summary: INDEFINITE HIATUS K is in love with Shuicihi. The problem is, he doesn't know if Shuicihi loves him. Slight angst.
1. Chapter 1

Hey all, I finally decided to get off my lazy ass and write a fic Now, this is my first Gravitation fic, it's a KxShuicihi pairing. I have only seen the first four episodes, so I profusely apologise and beg your forgiveness if everyone is OOC.

This was intended to be a one shot, but my stupid plot bunny won't leave.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation or any of it's characters, I do however own the plots.

Now on with the fic!

**Love is the slowest form of Suicide**

K was always great at guessing things; the most efficient ways of getting what he wanted done (he often praised what ever genius that invented the gun), and, well, basically what was good for the band. But never in all his long years would he have guessed that he would fall for him, the pink haired singer of BAD LUCK. The lead singer of the very band he managed. He could just never take his eyes off the beautiful boy, his voice, the unconscious sway of his hips, the way his body screamed sex appeal. He wanted to touch him, but knew he couldn't. Shuichi was taken. His boyfriend being the bastard, Eiri Yuki.

He won't lie; he never liked Yuki very much. Mainly because; A) He treated Shuichi badly quite a bit, often kicking him out of the house, and B) He's a wanker.

'Wait... where in the seven hells did 'wanker come from?' he quietly mused. Hm, must be those British movies he watched a while back, vaguely remembering the main character using the word. He didn't really like them; he only watched them because he had not heard any English for a long time.

He wasn't married anymore, he and Judy divorced months ago, Judy taking full custody of their 5 year old son Michael. He only got to see him for two weeks each month, and Michael hated flying to Japan, but gladly did it just to see his daddy. Why did he divorce Judy? She was cheating on him, plain and simple – his little pink haired angel had walked in on her kissing another man. She had tried in vain to bribe Shuichi not to tell, but he wouldn't go for it. At first K didn't believe him (such denial), but a few scant minutes later Judy barged in to his office and confessed everything. And that was that. He knew he should have been crushed to lose her, he knew that he should be angry with her. He wasn't. And, up until a few weeks ago, he didn't understand why.

He found himself starting to become attracted to men. Namely one Shuichi Shindou, who was currently in the midst of recording a new song, K sat on the other side of the sound proof window admiring the boy – as discreetly as possible – pondering what it would feel like to touch that lithe torso, to kiss those cute pouty lips, to press and grind his – 'OK! Stopping right there! I do NOT need a hard-on right now! God, what's wrong with me? I'm lusting after a 19 year old who is already taken, who will never love me. I mean come on, I'm 36 and he's 19 going on 20, who would want an old man like me?' Hn. It was so troublesome to stay happy when you know you're not. The only that seemed to make him happy is to at least have Shu-chan talk to him, in a completely non-fearful way (the poor boy was fidgety around K sometimes, in fear that he might shove his gun down his throat! Erk! Not that kind of gun! The kind you shoot people dead with!)

Anyway, back to what was going on. The usually trigger-happy blonde could not tear his eyes away from the boy, but he knew he had to. Shuichi would begin to feel the weight of the staring and look for its source. And then he would be caught and then a confrontation later on, just one whole fiasco he really didn't need right now. Whether it killed him or not, he would not –could not- tell Shuichi, it would be like standing on the edge of a blade; it could tip to anyone's favour. You could fall safely backwards or fall forwards and get cut. If he said anything, Shu-chan would either reject him and hurt him or feel the same and keep him safe. K was betting on the latter. It was tearing him up killing him inside to know that he may never get to have him. He belonged to Yuki.

He quickly shifted his gaze to the paper in front of him, something scribbled in the corner of the sheet. 'Love is the slowest form of suicide.' It was in his handwriting. Odd, he didn't remember picking up a pen much less writing anything, but the smooth plastic of the blue pen in hand told him otherwise. It was a quote he read from somewhere on the internet, but he couldn't remember what site it was on. He has unconsciously written it whilst in his thoughts. He absentmindedly twirled the pen around his fingers to keep them from writing anything more on the paper.

Love is the slowest form of suicide. It frightened him as to how much truth those words held. It slowly kills on the inside, burning, cutting, shattering, tearing everything apart until the heart is devoid of love and all that is felt is excruciating pain. Making you want to take a knife and rip your heart out just so the pain would go away and you would never have to spend another day getting hurt. The scary thing, he found, was it was happening to him. Slowly, falling down a black spiral to an inevitable death. By then nothing would matter, he would already be dead. Killed by a love that would never exist. Could never exist. Shuichi belonged to Yuki. The fucking cold-hearted Yuki who in K's opinion did not deserve Shuichi.

There was gentle, yet somewhat hesitant tap on his shoulder, snapping him out of his daze. He seemed to be doing that a lot today. Turning around in his swivel chair, he was met with the worried face of Sakano. Apparently the recording had ended 10 minutes ago and the band was now in the cafeteria eating lunch and he wasn't there pointing his gun at them, urging them to eat quickly and record one last song (the lyrics for which Shuichi will probably not have finished) Sakano asked if he was alright, only to receive a fake almost convincing smile and the excuse that he was fine and just very tired from a very long night. Sakano knew something was wrong, but quickly dismissed it and told him to his office and rest. They couldn't have the best manager ever to fall asleep on the job now could they? K promptly yet grudgingly obeyed, leaving an extremely perplexed producer in his wake.

Ah, but sleep was the furthest thing from his mind. He had been getting plenty of sleep, often dreaming about the purple-eyed vocalist. And those dreams happened to be very pleasant. Very pleasant indeed. Once he reached his office, he collapsed in the swivel chair rather heavily, causing the chair to roll back quite a bit, and slowly spun around. Oh the fun of swivel chairs.

He really didn't feel like taking a nap, but he knew he had to. Or else he would hear about it non-stop from Sakano-san. He swore that man was an alien or something; no person dead or alive could make a human tornado. Not to mention with all the anxiety and worrying he does it was amazing he didn't have any ulcers. Maybe one day he would have a heart attack and then he'd be cut open and confirm if he was an alien. Or maybe he would one day end up being shot by a certain gun toting American. Either way, he was heading toward an early grave. "Wait, can aliens even have heart attacks or die from a bullet to the head? Now, I won't lie and say I'm not curious, but it is, unfortunately, illegal to kill someone for the sake of testing a theory that one is an alien." Muttering to himself.

Sighing, he rolled himself closer to his desk, resting his arms on it and snuggling his head in to the crook of his arm. Closing his eyes, he willed himself to sleep, hoping against hope not to dream about his angel. Slowly – painstakingly so – he fell into a light sleep, his mind un-plagued by any dreams, and one hell of a stiff back when he woke up.

End Chap.1

Wow, thanks for sticking with it so far! Please R&R

The second is in the works, so until then, Ja matta ne!


	2. Chapter 2

Yeah, I know what you're thinking;

HOLY #& SHE UPDATED!!!

I really appologise for taking this long to post the chapter, I honestly lost interest in writing the story. At least I had three chapters written down before I lost interest. The third (and final) chapter will be posted probably sometime next week after exams. I'm not making any promises.

I don't think this chapter is as good as the first, but I tried, I really did. I just hope you enjoy it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitaion.

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**Chapter 2**

K had been acting quite strange lately. He just… didn't seem like himself; it had been two weeks since K last held a gun to their (or rather, his) heads. And that made him worry. The other two had at first just shrugged it off as an effect the divorce was having on him, but it had happened months ago and he still wasn't back to normal. At least, not fully back to normal. And he had only been acting like this just recently, as he had pointed out to the others. Shuichi knew something was up, and he had sinking feeling it was something to do with himself.

Shuichi knew he appeared extremely dense, but the truth is, he is completely aware of everything around him. He just chose to ignore most of it. Often, he noticed, or rather felt, K repeatedly stare at him when he thought he wasn't looking. Sometimes, he would stare for ten minutes straight and not bat an eyelash. He noticed how K would unconsciously shy away from him every time they accidentally touched, and that in itself was enough to know something was definitely wrong. K never shies away from anything; in fact he was anything but shy! But one little excruciating detail nagged at the back of his mind; this only happened whenever he was around. What did K find so interesting about a little pink-haired pop star? The stares were always so hot and heavy with something he couldn't quite place, and whenever they touched K would get this unidentifiable look in his eyes. It would change so rapidly he barely registered what he did see in those beautiful blue eyes.

Sometimes it would be a flicker of sadness, or something akin to anger and disappointment. Maybe… K hated him?

At this, he felt a sharp pang in his chest. He cared a lot for K, even loved him. Yes, he still lived with Yuki, but he was no longer in love with him. He knew Yuki only wanted him for the sex, but he had nowhere to go and didn't want to make himself even more of a burden by asking to move in with Hiro. Hiro had a life of his own, and a girlfriend. He would have just felt like even more of a third wheel. There was only one person he wanted to be with, and that person may possibly hate him for one reason or another. But he still loved him.

He wasn't exactly sure how it started. At first it was just a crush, a simple infatuation which frightened him at the time. Because pretty gun-toting men are kind of scary, really, they are. Back, then he had still been trying to convince himself that he loved Yuki, and that Yuki did in some way love him. But slowly his crush grew into full bloomed love. Eventually, he had stopped trying to convince himself about Yuki. He didn't love him anymore. He promptly hid it from Yuki, pretending to still be head over heels in love with the writer. As long as he kept pretending, he would have a place to stay and Yuki would have his loyal, live-in sex bunny Shuichi.

He hated doing it, and it pained him, but it kept an almost constant roof over his head. After all, there were still times when Yuki would kick him out so he could get some work done on his novels. It often resulted in staying with Hiro until Yuki wanted him back. Admittedly, Yuki was a complete and utter bastard who didn't want to completely lose 'his' sexy submissive genki singer.

Sure, he knew of Yuki's past, and had attempted to help him realize the human body was not something to be used as a toy. He tried showing Yuki affection and how to be affectionate. It took time, but he learned. He learned it was the most effective way to get Shuichi to do anything he wanted him to do, and used it to it's full advantage. Shuichi had been fooled by it, thinking he was finally melting the novelist's icy heart, and did whatever was asked of him. Only when he realized he was falling hard for K, did he finally see through Yuki's act. Strange how the things that are real that you want to deny, become glaringly obvious when you fell in love with someone else. He couldn't really hate Yuki, not even dislike him; it just wasn't in his nature to hate. All he knew was that he didn't love and want Yuki, he loved and wanted K.

'But K probably doesn't even like me. He's been avoiding me like the plague!' he thought, taking a bite out of his sandwich. It was lunch time and K wasn't there pointing his gun at them urging them to eat faster so they could record another song. It _was_ kind of relaxing not having what .45 caliber (or any other type of gun he had at the moment) pointed at them. But it was just another worrisome thing that K was not alright. He was always there, waving his gun around, making them finish eating in five minutes or less.

Well…actually, this wasn't so bad; at least they could actually take the time to enjoy their food and actually have the time to digest it. Of course, they would have to savor this once in a lifetime rarity – there might not be a next one.

Still, Shuichi was worried, and by the looks he was getting from his band mates, they were starting to worry a bit too. This just wasn't like K. He just wish he knew what was going on the blond American's head that was bothering him so much so that it can be taken care of. So far, the only certain thing he knew was that it had something to do with his-self. K's actions around him were proof enough of that.

Maybe he should go talk to him. Yes, that would be the thing to do, if K had a problem with him, he should just say it to his face! He just hoped K didn't have his gun with him, but that was highly unlikely.

Steeling his resolve, he finished his sandwich and drink. He would talk to K, this stupidity had to end. Glancing at his watch he took note of the time; 1:50pm, almost an hour had passed while they ate.

"I'm going to find K-san" he said standing up. They looked him for a second before nodding. They knew why. As he walked away, they got up to return to the recording room; Hiroshi needed to tune his guitar and Fujitaka needed to warm up his synthesizer. After all, you never know when you might need something to drown out shouting if it happened.

Quietly, Shuichi walked down the hallway, hoping to find him. Along the way he bumped – quite literally – into Sakano. Which was quite lucky, who else would know exactly where the somewhat crazy manager was? Sakano told him was in his office resting, and that shouldn't disturb him, but the last part fell on deaf ears as Shuichi headed towards K's office, leaving an exasperated producer in his wake.

'Of course he would be in his office! Where else would he go? Stupid, stupid, stupid!' mentally berating himself and whacking his forehead with his fist.

This was turning out to be a really long day.

Finally reaching his destination, he halted just outside the door, his will suddenly starting to waver. He rested his hand on the door knob. Maybe he shouldn't bother him right now; he didn't want K to be angry with him for disturbing him. His heart would just break.

But he had to talk to him. This couldn't go on much longer; the avoiding, the stares, everything! He wanted – no – needed to know just what the hell was going on! Unkown to the others, this was killing him inside, he couldn't stand having the man he loved so much keep his distance from him whenever possible. It had to end now!

Schooling his emotions, he turned the knob not knowing what to expect, or how this will turn out.

End Chap 2.

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Please R&R! 


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